No matter how acrimonious your divorce, if you have children, you and your ex are going to have to interact regularly. Your children are not responsible for the problems you had in your marriage, and the best way to help them cope is to maintain a friendly demeanor around your ex.

After the divorce, you need to discuss with your ex the terms of your future relationship. Your children will pick up and amplify and negativity or bad feelings and if you’re sharing custody, then it means you will be seeing each other regularly. Being civil to each other, respecting each other’s place in your kids’ lives, and being able to discuss parental issues without shouting so much at each other is what you and your ex will have to accomplish. You need to leave the past behind regardless of what caused the divorce and act in the interest of your kids’ future.

You may be hurt or angry, but remember that your issues with your ex are not your kids’ issues. To them, you are just mom and dad, and they should not be involved in any residual conflict or bitterness. Never bad-mouth your ex in front of the kids because this will confuse them. Your kids love you so don’t use that love to prejudice them in any way.

Try to establish ground rules in terms of behaviour and discipline together, just as you would if you were still married. A unified front will help children cope better from a divorce and feel secure even if it’s from parents from separate homes. Too often one parent sees less of the children than the other, and feels the need to spoil them rotten for those two days every two weeks. The rule of thumb is finding out if you would have let your kids do this if you were still married. If you wouldn’t, then you shouldn’t be doing it now.

Your children will greatly benefit if you and your ex can rationally discuss parenting issues and have a normal conversation. After they’ve gone through a fair amount of conflict between the two of you, you may have told them because of the divorce, all of that will go away. Continuing to argue and shout at each other after the divorce not only makes your children think you lied to them, it confuses them. Why bother getting a divorce if it changes nothing?

The issue of new relationships is a difficult one, but each parent will at some stage find a new partner. You will want to avoid hurting the children so this is another issue that should be discussed togged. Discuss when the kids should be introduced to the new partner, how they will address them, and any other issues that may arise. Getting these things sorted out before they happen can help you and your children ease into the transition without too much trauma.

If you enjoyed this article, visit Ziprecruiter.